Alone in a Crowded Room


Most people don’t know this about me and I usually don’t let it show publicly.  I suffer from depression.  I have for over 15 years now.  It’s not a constant battle and only rears its ugly head every few years but when it does, life is hard.  And that time is now.

While suffering from the onset of depression, every day becomes a list of oxymoronic events.  I want to eat, but I don’t want anything.  I need to sleep, but I can’t.  I want to play a game or watch some TV but I don’t want to make the effort to do it.  My hobbies no longer interest me.  I am alone in a crowded room and the smile on my face hides the tears trying to get out.  It is a time of feeling sad and not ever knowing why.

Everyone who suffers from depression experiences it differently.  For me, it comes on as an intense emotional chaos.  I have trouble sleeping; I get angry quickly; I feel sad and lonely; and the smallest things can bring tears to my eyes.  It is in times like this that I just want to be alone because I never want to burden those around me with this sickness.  In the darkness I can let the tears flow and there is something soothing about not having to hold them in.

During these times I take refuge in my family, my friends and my God.  It is because I am surrounded by those who love me that I know these days will pass and life will get back on track sooner rather than later.  The small things in life become so comforting; sitting silently with my daughter in my arms is incredibly soothing and brings an amazing peace to this chaos.

It is always darkest before the dawn and, like the last several times I’ve gone through this, I know the dawn is coming.  So please be patient with me.  I’m in the tunnel right now, but I’ll be out soon.